i wish my penis had a tongue
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
