I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
