Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
