omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
