I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
