Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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