Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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