lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
