I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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