My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I want a musical about memes.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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