last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
