wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Randomize
