It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
