O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
