I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
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