I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
