I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
