everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize