she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
