If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
