it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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