Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
