Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
