The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize