just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
