Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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