Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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