hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
