Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
