you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Randomize