Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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