Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
