I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
In other news, I just burned my penis
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
