Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
