R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
