In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
