Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
