Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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