I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
