careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
