Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
