It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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