He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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