FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
