M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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