i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
