If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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