Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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