Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
