VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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