He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
