Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
