im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
