I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
