they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
