if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
