Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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