The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
