Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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