We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
