I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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