You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
We're too hungover to prance.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
