She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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