Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
