chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Randomize
